Is there a pattern here? Couples coming to me for the first time will be asked this question — “When was the last time you two had sex and was it satisfying?” I usually tell them that some therapists say that “if you fix the sex, the rest will follow,”…

How often do I hear: “we just need to learn how to fight fair?” The most self-reported reason I hear for coming into couples counseling is “the problem is we have different styles of communicating.” The subtext for this belief is: we always fight you don’t listen to me you…

Somehow we are wired to be in relationship with other people. And yet it is the most challenging that we do. People in relationships live in constant connection with another human being in a conditional way based on how we each treat the other. We unconsciously select this other person…

In a conversation I recently had with Harville Hendrix, I understood him to say that couples come into therapy hoping to improve their communication skills, when what they really want is to improve their connecting skills. The more I think about it, the more this resonates with my experience. Communication…

Back in September, I made a decision to start a practice of intentionally exploring my conscious connection to my husband. I was trying to walk the talk of what I tell my clients. I did this by starting each day with a prompt that gave me an opportunity to think…

Can You Give Me what I need? Being in a committed long-term relationship is the hardest thing we do. Individuals in a relationship boil down into two distinct categories. You can call them Pursuers and Withdrawers, Minimizers/Maximizers or the-one-who-is-eternally-Disappointed and the-one-who-lives-in-fear-of-eternally-Disappointing. …

-Memory {(Declaring Love led to Intimacy last time) ÷ (That relationship ended badly)3} × Anxiety (Will she/he reciprocate?)10 √ {(Is this bad timing?) +Intuition (I’m getting a good vide.)} × (Courage + Nerve ± Recklessness) = “I love you.”* What does it mean to you when you say, “I love…

Interactions with other people wire the brain for resilience. This dharma talk parable illustrates how interactions can be positively and negatively encoded in the brain. A seven-year-old boy and his family are having dinner at a local restaurant. The waitress, addressing the boy, asks “What would you like, hon?” And…

“Do as I say not as I do.” Children mirror parents and peers, fans mimic favorite celebrities, and art imitates life. We know that people learn by watching others. Actions really do speak louder than words. 100’s of billions of neurons make up the brain. Neurons connect with other neurons…